A simple tool for better sexual communication

Talking about sex can be scary. Even if we’ve been sexually intimate with a partner for many years, just coming out with it doesn’t come naturally to everyone. This is difficult enough when both people are on the same desire level, but can become extremely uncomfortable if libidos are mismatched (meaning one partner is more in the mood for sexual contact than the other). 

My Partner’s Libido is Higher Than Mine

Maybe you can relate to this scenario: you’ve had a long day at work and taking care of the kids, and you’re desperate to get into bed and turn your brain and body off, but your partner begins initiating sex. If it were another evening, you’d be all for it, but tonight just isn’t the night for you. 

You want to say no, but don’t want to let your partner down or make them feel bad. You’re laying there wondering, “How do I say no to sex without hurting their feelings?” This might lead to A) you going through with the intimacy despite not being fully engaged, or B) accidentally saying something upsetting because you’re frustrated and confused.

My Libido is Higher Than My Partner’s

Or consider the opposite scenario: something about the way your partner is moving and talking has turned your desire up and you’d really like to be intimate with them. They don’t seem on the same wavelength though, so you may be wondering, “How do I bring up that I want to have sex?” You may have a fear of rejection or of “weirding” your partner out. It feels vulnerable to put yourself out there and risk being turned down.

Mismatched libidos can turn into a dangerous pattern of miscommunication. Partner 1 is vulnerable and initiates sex, but Partner 2 rejects them in a way that feels upsetting. Partner 1 is now afraid to initiate sex again, so Partner 2 starts feeling undesired. 

Sexual Desire Scale

I propose using a simple sexual desire scale to take away some of the scariness of communicating your sexual desire. 

Here are some reasons why the scale works:

• You don’t have to find the specific words to describe how you’re feeling

• There’s less risk of your partner misunderstanding your intentions

• It puts distance between you and your desire (or lack of) so you feel less vulnerable

Sounds pretty good, right? Adapted from Drs. John and Julie Gottman of the Gottman Institute’s “Gott Sex?” online program, the scale they proposed went up to 9. However, I feel 1-5 is simpler and leaves less room for ambiguity. Now let’s get into the scale itself. 

The Simple Tool for Better Sexual Communication

Each number on the scale tells your partner something. Here is what the scale is saying:

1. “I’m not interested in physical touch at all.”

2. “I don’t want to have sex, but I’m open to non-sexual touch.” (Cuddling, holding hands, hugging, etc.)

3. “I’m convince-able.” (Or: “I don’t have sexual desire at the moment, but I’m in the mood to be in the mood.”)

4. “I am interested in sexual intimacy right now.”

5. “I am EXTREMELY interested in sexual intimacy right now.” (Or: “I need your clothes to be off asap.”) 

How to Communicate Sexual Desire

Once both partners understand the scale, using it is a breeze. Here are some examples:

• “I don’t feel good and am at a 1 right now. Can you ask again tomorrow night?”

• “I’ve had a really rough day, so I’m at a 2. Maybe we can cuddle on the couch for a bit?”

• “I’m a little tired but want to be close to you, so I’m at a 3 right now.”

• “Hey babe, I’m at a 4 right now, what do you think?”

• “You wearing that dress puts me at a 5 every time.”

Now that you’re both “speaking the same language,” sharing your sexual desire level with your partner is more straightforward and less scary. If you’re still having difficulties talking about sex or mismatched libidos are causing distress in your relationship, couples counseling could be the right next step. 

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