Use these journal prompts to be more authentic to yourself
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The 2022 book “The Myth of Normal: Trauma, Illness, and Healing in a Toxic Culture” by Gabor Maté, M.D., and Daniel Maté is a fascinating look into how our society feeds into mental and physical illness. What we in the Western world deem “normal” is in actuality not at all in line with what we need to be happy, healthy, and successful, according to the authors.
One major theme throughout the more than 550-page book is humans’ tendency towards inauthenticity. The book argues that when we are not true to ourselves – when we say “yes” when we mean “no” or when we suppress our anger for the sake of others’ feelings, for example – we end up only harming ourselves. Maté and Maté cite numerous studies showing a correlation between these “people pleasing” behaviors and physical and mental illness.
The book invites its readers to return to themselves through a process he calls Compassionate Inquiry. The authors explain this process like so:
“If genuine, an inquiry is an open-ended exploration. It requires, first and foremost, humility…I recommend you do your best to suspend, at least for the moment, whatever you believe you know about yourself…We are out to know ourselves, not merely to know about ourselves.
To inquire compassionately takes openness, patience, and generosity. Think of how you would treat a struggling friend or loved one in their time of need, the leeway you would grant them to be confused, perplexed, frustrated. Being compassionate to yourself is no different, except that it's often harder to practice. In compassion there is no exhortation that we should be other than the way we are, only an invitation to inquire into the what, how, and why of the beliefs and behaviors that do not serve us.”
The book then details a self-reflective journal exercise of just six simple prompts. They recommend this is done not just once, but on as regular a basis as you feel comfortable with. Finally, they also suggest these journal entries are written by hand, which “helps create a sense of connection with yourself, while keeping the digital distractions at bay.”
Question 1: In my life’s important areas, what am I not saying no to?
Be specific about a recent time when you were asked to do something, and you sensed a “no” within you, but you responded with “yes” or silence instead? To be clear, this doesn’t include acts of selflessness done in service of those in need. The authors want you to focus on the “habitual, unwilled selflessness ingrained in many people’s personalities, the kind that takes a heavy toll.”
Examples include:
Saying yes to a friend’s invitation to get drinks when you need to rest instead
Engaging in sex with a partner when you didn’t want to
Taking on all the responsibilities of caring for an ailing parent without asking siblings for help
Question 2: How does my inability to say no impact my life?
Maté and Maté theorize that the main areas this inauthenticity will arise is physical, emotional, and interpersonal.
Examples include:
Physical: insomnia, frequent illness, digestive problems, headaches, or the urge to overeat
Emotional: loss of pleasure or the dulling of your sense of humor
Interpersonal: resentment towards loved ones
If you want to zoom out even farther, also ask yourself, “What do I miss out on in life as a result of my inability to assert myself?” They cite possible answers as “fun, joy, spontaneity, self-respect, libido, opportunities for growth” and more.
Question 3: What bodily signals have I been overlooking? What symptoms have I been ignoring that could be warning signs, were I to pay conscious attention?
This question is helpful for those whose “self-denial has become so normal that they might not be able to identify an unsaid ‘no’ – the word doesn’t even dare form itself in the mind, much less on the tongue.” This prompt involves surveying your life for ongoing symptoms, such as fatigue or low back pain, and asking what these might be signaling.
Question 4: What is the hidden story behind my inability to say no?
What is the “narrative, the explanation, the justification, the rationalization that makes these habits seem normal and even necessary”? Another way to ask yourself this question is, “What must I believe about myself to deny my own needs this way?”
Here are some examples:
Saying no means I can’t handle something. It’s a sign of weakness.
I’m not worthy unless I’m doing something useful.
It’s selfish to say no.
It’s not loving to have anger.
Note the double standard here. If your friend said no to your request because of a genuine need that they had, would you consider them weak or selfish? Probably not. Would you tell your child that she is worthless if she’s not useful? Again, probably not.
Question 5: Where did I learn these stories?
We weren’t born with these beliefs. Somewhere along the way, someone or something taught them to us and made us think they were true. This requires an honest look at our upbringing and how our caregivers treated us.
Question 6: Where have I ignored or denied the “yes” that wanted to be said?
The authors write, “What have you wanted to do, manifest, create, or say that you have forsaken in the name of perceived duty or out of fear? What desire to play or explore have you ignored? What joys have you denied yourself out of a belief that you don’t deserve them, or out of a conditioned fear that they’ll be snatched away?”
