When you first get together with your partner, it can feel like it’s you two against the world. You’re aligning on everything, supporting each other, and celebrating your wins together. But over time, needs get ignored, resentment builds, and suddenly you no longer feel like a team. 

My friends know I love watching tennis and as I sit here watching the French Open semi-finals, I’m struck by a powerful metaphor for romantic partnerships. 

What makes good — and not good — doubles pairs

For those who aren’t tennis fans, it’s important to know that there are singles matches, where it’s one player vs. one player, and there are doubles matches, which pits two players against another two players. The two players on the same side are doubles partners and they have to work together to win the match. 

To be successful, doubles partners have to know each other extremely well. They must know their partner’s strengths, weaknesses, fears, motivations, and habits. They can’t stop a rally to ask their partner what they’re going to do next — they must anticipate their next move and act accordingly to win the point. 

Ideally, doubles partners complement each other. One might have a better serve while the other is skilled at the net. It’s inevitable that in every match, one might score more points than the other. But the goal isn’t to out-play your partner. The goal is to win the game. 

As soon as doubles partners start competing with each other, they’re doomed. 

How to bring the doubles mindset to your relationship

I encourage couples who feel like they’re at odds with one another to pretend you’re playing a doubles tennis match. 

• Don’t keep score with each other: In tennis, if you start tallying how many more serves you aced than your partner, resentment will build. Just as in life with your partner. 

• Work together: Imagine you’re playing a doubles match and you’re behind significantly. What are you going to do to turn the game around? Blame your partner for all those missed points? Or collaborate with them on a new strategy? 

• Support each other: Every player has a weakness, just as every individual in a relationship has areas they struggle with. Partners who can see the big picture put their ego aside to make up for their partner’s weaknesses. 

• Accept the other’s influence: You chose your romantic partner for a reason, just as tennis players choose their doubles partner for a reason. Every individual has something to bring to the partnership. 

To help visualize this metaphor, here’s a quick video showing doubles tennis at its finest (featuring my favorite player, Coco Gauff).