When you enter into a committed, romantic relationship, the partnership is like a freshly sprouted plant. Some relationships are fruit trees, some are flower bushes, some are vegetables, but they all have something in common – roots. In the beginning, there’s vibrant life in the roots which fosters growth, color, beauty, and life in the rest of the plant. The plant grows over the years and continues to blossom with new seasons. 

Over time however, the plant suffers. Maybe it doesn’t get watered enough or it gets trampled on too many times. Whatever the cause, the plant is looking worse for the wear. It’s drooping or its leaves are wilting, and from the outside, the plant looks like a lost cause. You’re deciding if it’s time to count your losses and uproot the plant.

Is any of this sounding familiar? Does your relationship feel like a wilting plant and you’re not sure if it’s worth tending to anymore? You might want to consider discernment counseling.

Discernment counseling is a process in which to identify if your relationship still has life in its roots. 

Just because it looks dead on the outside, doesn’t mean it can’t be revived. But if the roots are dead, it’s best to know so you can stop watering it. 

If one of the partners wants to separate or divorce while the other wants to stay together, or if both partners are undecided on the best path to take, discernment counseling can help you make a decision.

What is discernment counseling?

Discernment counseling is a decision-making process where you and your partner will get assistance in deciding the future of your relationship. Within 1-5 sessions, the goal is for you to find confidence and clarity in your decision, whatever that may be. If both partners don’t feel confidence and clarity in the decision, then the process isn’t complete. 

These are the paths that your discernment counselor will help guide you towards:

Path 1: maintain status quo

You and/or your partner may not be ready to make a decision right now, and that’s okay. Maybe you have other priorities like a special needs child or elderly parent, or you just need more time to think.

Path 2: separation/divorce

You may decide that there is no life in the roots after all, and it is time to end your relationship. While the end of a committed relationship is something to grieve and not to be taken lightly, sometimes it’s for the benefit of the individuals. The goal for path 2 is to reduce hostility and get to a place where the divorce can be as amicable as possible.

Path 3: six-month commitment to couples therapy

You may decide there is life in the roots of your relationship and you want to spend more time and effort bringing the plant back to life. This is not a commitment to stay together forever, but an agreement to take divorce off the table for six months and put your all into improving your relationship. 

Do I have to be married to do discernment counseling?

Personally, I don’t believe you need to be married to engage in discernment counseling. There are plenty of long-term couples who are not legally married who would benefit from this process. Ask your counselor their thoughts and if they work with unmarried couples for discernment.

What should I expect from discernment counseling?

The initial session in discernment counseling is two hours long, with subsequent sessions lasting 1.5 hours long. The process is highly structured and designed to provide a safe space for each partner to explore and communicate their feelings. Unlike traditional couples counseling, a lot of the time is spent individually with the counselor, so expect to spend some time in the waiting room while your partner has their turn. 

In the first session, both partners will be asked a series of questions for the counselor to better understand what has gotten you to this point and if there’s hope of reconciliation. In the individual portions, the counselor will assist each partner in exploring where they stand and help you best communicate this to the other. 

Discernment counseling can be intense. It is your chance to finally say what’s on your mind, take accountability for your role in the breakdown of the relationship, and make important decisions that will alter the rest of your family’s life. You may feel emotionally and physically exhausted afterwards, so be sure to take care of yourself as best you can during this process.

Discernment counseling was developed by Bill Doherty, Ph.D. Mental health professionals can take the training online or attend an in-person training. I was trained in Discernment Counseling by Certified Discernment Counselor Dr. Becky Davenport, LMFT-S.